A Writer’s Dilemma

I daydream a lot. I like to plot out stories in my head, but I have trouble writing it down. Like everything else in my life, there’s a chance this issue narrows down to my lack of confidence. Lack of confidence kills a lot of things, including inspiration. It makes me always go back and…I just really hate my writing a lot of the time. It feels like it’s too much drama and flowery words with too little actual details or anything remotely interesting. Every time I look over my words, I rip through it and lay out every single flaw and then some. Is it no wonder I don’t write that often anymore? It’s not fun. It makes me sad to realize this, but it really isn’t as fun writing stories as it used to be. I want to enjoy it again; like I had when I was younger.

I used to write a lot of stories you know? They were cringe worthy, but I wrote them. I’d churn them out like crazy-a new chapter or two every week. Sometimes, I had a ton of chapters written out ahead of time, before I started posting them online. It was so much fun. Even though no many read my bad writing, it was fun. Then I started wanting to be a writer and to do that, I had to take critique. My self-confidence was so bad that I didn’t filter what I needed and what I didn’t. It was so bad that I just took in what others said. I rewrote my stories. I abandoned them. I deleted them. I kept changing my writing name. I am the sort of author you hate. Eventually, I left the writing side behind. Even now, I can’t bring myself to fully return.

If my confidence wasn’t so bad, would I be more of a writer? A better one, I mean. One with a good idea of her own strengths and weaknesses. Someone who could plot out a story and actually put it down rather than dream and dream away.

If I were more confident, I am certain that my effectiveness in everything would increase. It struck me recently that if I were more confident, I could do so many things. I could help so many more people. I could enjoy life more and worry about it less. I worry a lot, you know. I worry all the time. Even when things are going great, there’s a part of me always waiting for the shoe to drop.

My head hurts a lot today yet all I can think of today is how I want to do so much more than I am. I want to experience all that life has to offer. I want to write whatever I want and not have to worry about it. I want to properly finish this project of mine and be able to look back on it and say,”that project really helped me” or “I’m so glad I did it.” For once, I want to look at things I’ve written and feel proud of it.

It’s not wrong to want this, right?

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