Today, my bracelet is on the wrong wrist and it’s bothering me. I put it there because it looked better with my outfit. I now regret this, but am too vain to stop.
I wonder how many times we keep doing something that we should stop, beyond a minor annoyance like a bracelet on the wrong wrist. How many times we stick to something harmful just because it’s all we know.
I’ve been thinking a lot about how I want to love myself more, but keep succumbing to the inner voices of self doubt that like to echo on my brain. I have a tendency to self-sabotage out of anxiety and an inability to cope with a life different from how I usually live it. I’m certain this is why I’m like this. I’m having trouble giving up the bad habits that led to all this because it’s all I know.
I’m so used to living with crippling self-doubt (and let’s be honest, some measure of self-hattred) that the idea of living a life without it is not only foreign and incomprehensible to me, but also frightening. What am I supposed to do with myself? What am I supposed to do instead of attacking myself every time I am not perfect enough for myself? Or when I socialize and do other things pertaining to other humans? Or every time I have a quiet moment to myself?
WHAT DO I DO????
What am I supposed to do? Just be…Productive?? Enjoy my life? Live it?
I guess…I guess I could do that.
It sounds kind of nice actually. I don’t know is what that’s like, but it sounds nice. Really nice. I have always liked the idea of it more than anything. Mainly because I don’t remember what that’s like. I didn’t realize what it entailed and now my ignorance is staring me straight in the eye.
In the end, I realize (as I’m writing this as is often the case) that what I’m having trouble letting go isn’t necessarily the self-doubt. I can ditch my self-doubt. Like a cockroach that just won’t die, it keeps coming. That’s not the problem.
The problem is letting go of the habits that led to it. It’s trusting that I’m not going to run off the rails and go on a power trip because I don’t hate myself (it made more sense in my head). It’s trusting that I’m going to be OK. I’m still going to be a good person. Not everything in my life will be solved by this, but I as a person will be able to learn and grow more.
I have to trust myself to let go of my self-doubt. To start loving myself as I love others. This is really hard. I haven’t trusted myself fully in a long time and even though I’ve been making gains in this area, if I want to cast off the doubt, I need to trust myself more than I do now.
A lot of times, choices can be summed up as: what is familiar and what is new. What is easier and what needs to be done. I need to do what needs to be done. I’ve always tried to do that. Somehow, it’s harder when it’s myself.
I’m going to trust myself. I’m going to trust those in my life. They’re going to let me know if I ever go off the rails and decide to go on a power-trip. They’re not going to let me run around by myself and get lost. They’re going to come find me and help guide me back to where everyone is. I need to trust in that. Even if I can’t fully trust in myself right now, I can trust in that.