Today, I leveled up. I’m seriously so happy about it. There were so many dark thoughts swirling in my head today, but I know from experience that if you give them an inch, they’ll take the whole space. I want to release fear, not feed it.
So this morning, I thought to myself that I was going to do my best to focus on where I find the most happiness. For me, it was in the knowledge that I am loved and love in turn. This is something that I find the most gratitude in because as stated in previous posts, I am still so surprised that I’m loved. I need reminding of it still.
For me, focusing on this fact not only acknowledged it, but it also helped block out the darkness that likes to make itself known to me. With that thought in my mind, there’s something I want to write down for today. It’s something I want to etch in my brain forever.
If you are happy where you are, then you don’t regret the present and look to the past. If you are happy, you look forward to the future while remaining in the present. You enjoy what you are experiencing around you and what you have to look forward to in the future.
I was talking to some wonderful people today and the topic came up. One of the girls said that and it really struck home to me that I’m happy where I am. Even though there are difficult problems in my life and my future is basically up in the air, I’m the happiest that I’ve ever been.
For the first time in a very long time, so long that I can’t remember the last time this happened (like maybe when I was born), I am connecting with myself in a deep and meaningful way.
There is no problem with having a bit of a margin for error. That’s normal. That’s expected. That’s how I know I’m learning and pushing myself.
I am a wonderful person. I can say this in an unironic way and not feel embarrassed now. Saying it doesn’t make me feel like a fraud who’s fakery is good enough that people think she’s an introvert. For once, it feels like it’s the truth.
I am a wonderful person. I am having trouble being able to give a reason right now that feels genuine and real to me, but the fact that I can say something good about myself is a huge leap forward.
Yesterday, I felt like there were some things I could have done better in, but I took it within the context of everything and felt satisfied with myself.
Today, I ignored the fear and anxiety that kept building up within me. The kind that likes to make mountains out of molehills and stoke my panic until I’m hyperventilating and crying. Yes, that kind. I ignored it. Instead, I focused on the fact that first of all, I am alive. I live my life as truly and deeply as I can. Second of all, I love and am loved in return. I am not alone.
I stood there in meditation and really focused on these two facts. They are the lights that exists in my life right now. When there’s light, there’s no room for darkness. For that moment, darkness wasn’t even on my mind. Fear wasn’t even in my world, much less in my dictionary.
At that moment, I turned away from my self hatred and took a step forward into the uncertain road ahead. I decided to live without fear and succeeded, even if it was just for a brief moment. If I could do it that one time, then with practice, I will one day be able to maintain that state for longer.
My problems are still here. There’s a lot of them, to be honest. I’m not certain if they’ve multiplied and frankly, I’m trying not to think about it. I’ve dealt with problems like these before, although never to such an extent. Yet, for the first time, I feel like I can face them without fear. Even if I stumble a bit, I can keep going. I can do this!
It’s a miracle! I am normally not one of those people. I actually struggled a lot earlier today. It took me getting out my comfort zone and helping others that I could take my mind off of my own problems. By doing so, I could forget them for just a moment. Once I got there, it was easier to continue in that mindset.
Today, I have lived my life more presently than I ever have. It seems to me the most beautiful way to live. I want to make it the only way I ever will live.
I just need to keep going. If you focus on your goal, then the pointless distractions don’t matter. If you keep your eye on the brightest things in life, there’s no room for darkness. There’s no room for unnecessary worries. No room for anything, but what you most need to do.
Since I really like where I am today, I’m going to cling onto it tightly like, like a weed or a barnacle. If I want to be full of self-love, I need to stick to it. I need to work for it. I need to be prepared to fight for it.
It’s a bit strange to think of it that way, but self-love is a form of love isn’t it? So why would it be any different from other forms of love in this area? Genuine love is something that must be chosen, cherished, and tenaciously fought for. Self-love is no different in this. It’s the rule, not the exception.
I never thought of it this way, but that changes things doesn’t it?