This Self-Confidence Stuff Is Hard

Am I the only one who thinks this or is it just me?

There are a lot of problems in my life and most of them stem from my own self-doubt. Self-doubt makes things worse so I have to learn not to do it. It’s sort of a sink-or-swim thing for me. I find that I learn best in those situations (metaphorically).

I looked back at a previous post yesterday and found that the name no longer fit. As dramatic as it is to say people can try to pry responsibility out of my cold, lifeless fingers, there was now a more accurate title for it: This Is A Turning Point.

That was the turning point for me. The moment I realized that not only can I not let things lie, but also that I wasn’t going to put up with disrespect from anyone, including myself. It was when I realized that I myself left my own fingerprints in this world and most of them were better than I ever realized.

I wonder if that’s it. If that’s part of self-love: being able to evaluate yourself and realize that you’re better than you think. Both stronger and more radiant than you think.

There’s a friend of mine who feels a lot of self-doubt. I think a lot of my friends do. I think this is something that afflicts most people. However, this friend is a lot like me in that we need to talk to someone about it and we often feel anxious or discouraged about how we perceive ourselves and how we fear others perceive us.

Many times, I wish he realized how amazing he is. Then I wonder how many times my friends had felt that way. They tell me all sorts of kind things, but they don’t lie to me. They’re truthful, my friends. When they tell me these things, I should believe them more.

I am not a good judge of character when it comes to myself. I am biased against myself. Is that weird?

Learning to recognize my ignorance in this is an important part of the journey. There’s a lot of things I don’t know and myself is one of them. The more I write this out, the more I learn about myself.

Have any of you ever thought of writing your own “Philautia Project” (please don’t take my name though) or some other method of recording your own thoughts and lessons for a month and then looking back on it? I was just thinking that I’ve really benefitted from this and that some people in my life might benefit from doing something like this too. Even if it isn’t exactly the same (since we are all different).

Like for me, I also focus on things I need to work on. That’s part of how my brain works: taking things a part and focusing on what needs to be improved.

I will critique how I drink soup. I am that bad.

Anyways, I think this is part of embracing myself: seeing how I think and recognizing the strengths too, instead of just looking at the weaknesses. It’s something that just occurred naturally because of who I am.

The project relies on my honest and dedication to stay me. That’s why comments are turned off. I don’t want that sort of pressure and this is mainly about me anyway. I’m not up for discussion and neither are my thoughts and feelings. I’m not a character in a book. If I were, I’d like to think I’d be entertaining, but I’m not. Some like to think I am. That’s when I get petty and secretly enjoy metaphorically flicking away their ridiculous preconceptions.

I met this guy once. He was manipulative. Everything I said was ammunition against me and he kept trying to guilt trip me. I’ve dealt with people like that before so it was just annoying. Talking to him felt like he was trying to lob snot or something at me and I had this wall that they kept sliding off of. Or his manipulative words were flies and I had a huge fly swatter. Something like that. (In the end, I told him he wasn’t my type and washed my hands of his nonsense.)

The point is that, for me, when pushed into a corner, I tend to come out of it stronger and more stubborn in my position than ever. I think a lot of people are like that, but I don’t know if they throw themselves into difficult situations to force themselves to have no other choice but to grow (I have learned since then to trust myself to keep growing, but it’s a really recent thing).

I think there is something that needs to be said about stubbornness and how it can keep is from admitting where we were wrong and thus keep us from fully learning from our mistakes.

I fully acknowledge that I have issues. I was a bullied a lot as a kid and it traumatized me. A lot of people decided for me who I was and was going to be. They assumed that because of (insert reason why I’m different from them here), I was like that. Why do we allow these differences divide is? I’m always wondering that. Humans could get so much done if we weren’t at each other’s throats all the time.

I’d like to say there’s more to this, but all I can say is that this is why it’s important to know yourself better. So when people try to dictate to you who you are or aren’t based on their own limited and flawed ideas, you will know what to listen to and what to throw out. You won’t let them dictate to you what you know is false. You won’t take it in and hurt yourself like I did.

Thats easier said than done. How do you better know yourself?

Write a journal or some sort of personal project. Put yourself out there (but be safe about it). Get out of your comfort zone. The more you go out and try different things, the more you realize what you like or don’t like.

I’m certain there is more, but I’m still figuring out how to self-confidence (in a genuine and real way since apparently I have fooled almost everrrryone).

Anyway, this is my rambling and I need to not feel sorry about it. I’m not going to apologize since this project is for me and I gotta stick to it. Sticking to it is half the battle. It always is.