Today (yesterday) I forgot to write on the blog. Normally I post as early as I can, but I got distracted. The funny thing was what distracted me. See, there’s something I’m making for someone and I haven’t done arts and crafts in a long time. I used to be in art all throughout school until I entered university. For years, all I ever wanted to be was an artist.
I left that dream behind because you need to be talented if you want to be an artist. Because it’s time consuming and bad for your health. Because I’m bad at anything beyond collages. I never could get my art teachers approval when it came to drawing. Art is subjective and her idea of art was very different from mine. Or it was. I guess along the way, I started to see my skills as lacking.
If I can’t even do realistic art like portraits or landscapes, then how can I call myself an artist? Those were the thoughts in my head and I have carried them with me to this day.
I’m certain it’s wrong. Art is meant to be enjoyed. I used to love art, but like many things I never continued or even tried, I thought I wasn’t good enough.
So today, when I was working on this project, my mind was so full of distractions as I second guessed myself over and over again. I wasted time that could have been used on this project. I missed my goal.
It’s just a blog. A personal project. Still, I feel so disappointed with myself
I’ve grown though. I won’t pressure myself like I used to. It’s a habit I’m trying to unlearn still, but I like to think I’ve made a lot of great gains.
This is my project and I’m not going to stop until it’s finished. Today was simply another lesson learned. Or lessons.
First lesson is that there are going to be places where I still feel a lot of self doubt. I need to learn to trust myself again and stop second guessing my instincts.
(Thinking too much about it will make things worse, but that’s a lesson I recognize even if I haven’t fully learned it yet).
Second, I am a failure. OK no. That’s not true. Even though that’s my first thought, it isn’t true. While I could’ve done better by not getting so caught up and nervous about this project, no one died. No one got hurt. Except me? I feel so sad. I think the only one hurt is me here. I’m a really goal-oriented person so not reaching it kills me inside.
Third, that just means I need to do my best all the more. Sometimes, you will feel as if you have fallen short, but I think so long as you do your very best, it’s enough. There’s nothing wrong with you. We are all prone to weakness. Anyone ragging on me for mine needs to realize they have their own too. So. They can get over it.
Fourth, I am definitely continuing this blog. I don’t even care if I missed my goal. To be honest, I didn’t think I’d be able to keep up with it as well as I had. I’ve always been a proponent of “if you have low expectations, you’ll never be disappointedly-which…Can be unhealthy in this situation since it enables my self doubting ways).
Even though I’m disappointed, this is still a learning experience.
I’m still growing. Patience towards myself is necessary. I just need to pretend someone I know is going g through the same thing and what I would say to them, I try to say to myself.
Yeah I made a mistake and it irks my perfectionist ways, but my perfectionist ways need to die halfway like a vampire so I can live more happily.
I made a mistake and I won’t be ashamed of it. I won’t. Even though I sort of am, I’m not going to shame myself for it which is a step in the right direction.
I-I’ll get there. No one can stop me. Not even myself.