I am not going to relinquish it to anyone. This is a realization that I made while struggling with some demons and it was like something clicked on my brain.
I have learned to trust myself more and it is because when there are challenges, I do my best to rise to the occassion and learn from it. There’s a commonly held belief that things like love, kindness, and cooperation are soft and weak, but to me, it’s a sign that I am not giving in.
No matter how people treat me, I do not want to let them influence me. I want to continue being kind, love, and cooperative. I am unmoving on this issue. It is far easier to choose to be cruel than kind: easier to choose anger over understanding, easier to choose to hurt over cooperating, and easier to choose to hate over loving. I will choose the harder, but brighter path not for anyone else’s but for my own sake.
If I am kind, faithful, true, and good then it is because I chose to. It’s not because I was pushed or brainwashed into it. It’s not because I am mindless or easily fooled. It’s not because there was no other choice.
It’s because I, seeing this world and how horrible and cruel it can be, decided that I wasn’t going to be apart of it. I decided that I wanted to make it better. I wanted to make things work.
I’m not going to be like them. Like those that thought it would be alright to treat my younger self like I was nothing and then laugh and kick at me when I was down. I have better role models in my life, who are brighter, truer, and kinder than anyone. It’s not enough just to be “not them”. I need to strive for more than the low hanging fruit. I want to strive for the top of the tree.
This is something I’ve chosen for myself and for my own sake.
If I am encouraging peace and understanding over anger and violence in word and deed, it is because I chose it. No one chose for me. I don’t give into things easily. I make my decisions and dig in my heels when others oppose me unless I’m given a good reason. I don’t do blind trust or pressure myself into believing when I don’t.
For all my flaws, I’ve never done that.
Everything I’ve done, I chose.
Being able to realize this last night was one of the most freeing experiences of my life. That was when I realized that I controly actions and so I could tell my life. I’ve always looked for freedom, but it turns out I always had a piece of it with me.
I’m not going to relinquish control to anyone and that includes people that make me angry or are cruel to me. I’m not going to let them shackle me down anymore. I’m not going to let them affect me.
I’m going to rise beyond that not because they deserve it, but because I do. I deserve to be free. I deserve to reach my fullest potential. I deserve to be happy.