I Made A Huge Leap Forward

I am so so tired. Recent events have exhausted me over and over. They’re the type that fit the phrase “out of the pan and into the fire”.  It’s something that I can never ever truly convey or fully explain nor is it something I ever will. It’s enough to say that it’s been a trial by fire for the past few weeks…around the time I started this project come to think of it. That in and of itself is difficult in addition to the events themselves. Yet, it is because of them that I can now recognize not only the extent of my growth and endurance, but also my limitations.

I could endure more, but there’s no point in stretching out your suffering without any benefit. If I kept going forward without resting and tried to do everything myself as I always did, then I would just be tired and strung out, unable to even help myself. With this in mind, I decided to take a break for a while and take care of myself.

It is clear that I have finally fully realized a very important lesson:

We humans are not made to carry everything alone. I finally truly realize this now. My family and friends can help me carry these burdens and obligations while I recuperate.

It might be sad that it took me this long to realize this due to my stubbornness and pride, but since I have finally learned this important lesson, I’m going to view it as a good thing.

I have always been someone who would push forward no matter what. Even as I slowly shattered into jagged pieces, I would keep on enduring. I wouldn’t ask for help, choosing instead to suffer quietly rather than trouble anyone. The only sign of my pain was what I carried within. Sometimes I chose to express it, but only when I couldn’t keep it in anymore.

(People might romanticize this sort of thing, but it’s actually a in reality. This should never be romanticized. Are you kidding me??? I suffered a lot for nothing but my own pride. It’s miserable!)

That I am able to not only able to recognize this method as wrong, but also choose to give it up to move forward in a healthier manner is good, but I went farther than just realizing my method was wring. I realized that asking for help isn’t abandoning my dignity. Instead, choosing to recognize when I need help and when I can move forward, is the most intelligent and prudent thing. That way I don’t tire myself out when it comes to the most important tasks. That I finally realized this is a huge huge leap forward.

For once, I’m starting to finally put my health first no matter what. I’m finally trying to take better care of my own needs instead of trying to set myself on fire to keep others warm. I’m finally thinking of myself first.

Wow!!! I can’t believe it! I feel so light!

This is a really huge step forward! I’ve always had this problem for as long as I remember. I don’t remember living in any other way. For me to finally start addressing and making such great gains on it after so long is a really miraculous thing. While I had to suffer a lot for it, this valuable lesson is one hundred percent worth it.

I hope though that others won’t have to suffer as much to realize their own worth. It makes me sad to think of it. Maybe that’s how others feel when they see me trying to hard to silently suffer through my trials alone? They couldn’t do anything save watch me like this. It must have been painful for them.

I feel awful. My heart is full of remorse, but I would only make things weird apologizing to everyone about it. All I can do is work on being better.

When you don’t love yourself and treat yourself as I have, you also hurt those who love you too.The thought is something that makes me realize how important it is to love yourself. A lack of self love really affects those around you as well.

For some reason, it’s easier to do this if it is for others’ sake. I need to remember that this is mostly for my own sake. Learning to love myself is also learning to build good habits. I need to keep doing them until they’re second nature. I’m glad I realized this just now.

I always thought I was alone, but truthfully, I was always surrounded by those who loved me. Even though no one is perfect and we have hurt each other a lot, they still love me and I still love them. I’m not alone.

Therefore, with this in mind, for the sake of those I love and most importantly for my own sake, I am going to get even better at this confidence self-love stuff. I’m super determined now. No one can stop me.

I’ve got to let it occur more naturally though. Which is disappointing because I’m impatient by nature. Like I said before though, self love is partly building good habits for yourself. That’s how we learn. It’s important that I remember to stay patient with myself.

I really want to go to botanical gardens today, but it’s to late. 😦 They’re pretty in the spring. Even though it’s not spring yet, I still want to go. Flowers make me happy.

I want my self confidence to bloom like flowers in spring, but stay all throughout the four seasons. I’m certain if I keep nourishing it and make sure it has enough sunlight, I will definitely succeed.