For When I Feel Like Falling Apart

I can do this. No matter what, I can do this. I won’t be afraid or ashamed because I can do this.

Earlier, the thought of this brief moment of rest ending, of me having to face my demons again made me sob uncontrollably. I didn’t want to do this. I didn’t want to do this at all. I didn’t know how long this will last or whether I could take it any longer.

But I can do this. I have to. I will. I have always done what is necessary and this won’t change. Whatever trials I have, whatever demons stand before me, I’ll face them all.

I’m not alone so it’ll be OK no matter what. I will rely on those who love me. I love them too. I will rely on them for this. Most importantly, I will rely on myself.

I haven’t slept properly for a while. Haven’t been able to. Despite that, I can either learn or flounder and I won’t flounder.

The stakes are too high for me to even consider giving in. I’ll keep going no matter what. Even if it fills me with a despair that overflows, I’ll keep going.

More than anything, I want to feel peace. Even in the midst of a storm, I want to have peace. I just need to remember the small things that make me happy. The funny novels I’ve been reading, the candy I like to eat, and how I can go to the arboretum with a friend soon.

I need to keep going. I can’t turn back not when I’ve come this far. I won’t back out.

I’ll protect myself no matter what. I’ll learn and learn all that I can… until these trials resemble an annoying fly and I can just swat them away without even batting an eye. I’ll grow brighter and brighter no matter how much mud others try to throw on me.

Even though learning to be more confidence scared me before, I have learned enough to know that to be more confident, I must build good habits. So it’ll just be a culmination of habits which in time will be as easy as breathing.

I was afraid of becoming prideful earlier, but at this point, I know that those in my life won’t let me ruin myself without speaking up. I know that I have enough self discipline and awareness to better protect myself from this. I know that I am good at recognize the temptation to be proud and take revenge. I can control myself and recognize the problem before it fully grows.

I was afraid to act before, but I recognize my own abilities. I can figure things out if I take the time to think carefully. I am good at recognizing the root of the problem. I am good at analyzing the different sides to an issue. I am good at figuring out the solution. So long as I have the necessary information, I can do very well.

There are more things for me to learn. I still have self-doubt. I am paranoid and afraid at this point. I get flustered sometimes. I still get impatient with myself. However, I will deal with these problems. I will deal with them until I have turned these weaknesses into strengths.

This is a declaration of intent for me. I am going to learn everything I need to learn from this. I am going to become a totally unshakable person. Calm and serene no matter what. Peaceful despite the storm howling around me.

I will turn this awful, horrifying situation into something that makes me grow all the stronger and brighter. I will overturn my obstacles and enemies. I will do all the good things that I can, lift up as many people as I can.

I can do this. I will do this. I will not bow to my circumstances. I will stand strong, growing and growing with each trial, like a tree: stable, long-lived, and flexible to circumstances. Or like a river: with a current that knocks all obstacles down yet not so unreasonable that I can’t be diverted from the wrong path.

Even though I’m not interested in things like money or fame or even admiration from others, I am very ambitious. I won’t be satisfied with a half-hearted result. It’s all or nothing. I should be happy with these trials-this is the sort of situation where I will come out of there stronger. I’ve decided it so it’ll happen because I’ll make it happen. My choices will create a satisfactory result.

I’ve made my decision so I’m going to follow through.

A lot of my posts have the elements of a peptalk, because I also use these posts to encourage myself. However, this is the ultimate one to date. Whenever I need it, I’ll reread this one and remind myself of my goals. Sometimes, we all need a good reminder. So to myself in the future, you’re not allowed to give up OK? You have to keep going! Do your best!

 

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