Today, I went window shopping for a while. Just to go out and walk around a bit. Maybe find something I like or ideas for how I want to dress. I haven’t been taking care of myself lately. I don’t even care about how I look.
I had some things I wanted and needed to get, but in the end only came back without it. I got a sweater instead. It wasn’t worth much. Yet I couldn’t stop guilting myself.
I guilted myself for getting this sweater. Guilted myself out of a few other items. Stared blankly at what I had come to buy and decided pretty things like that were useless to me and thus not worth the price. I’ve always guilted myself when it came to buying things. It’s something I’ve learned. Buying things for yourself will get you scolded.
I used to be overwhelmed with anxiety every time I did this. It didn’t matter if I had the money (which I always did). Luckily, I had a good friend who helped me through this so it’s not as bad as it used to be. It only shows up when I think too much about it nowadays. This isn’t the biggest issue right now.
He biggest issue is another bad habit that’s cropped up. I’ve been guilt tripping myself for going out. Especially when it’s (window) shopping. There’s nothing logically holding me back from this. No obligations or anything. This is purely irrational.
Yet, theres a voice in the back of my head telling me I’m not allowed to be out. I’m not allowed to enjoy myself. I’m not allowed to take this time to myself. It looks like I’m going to spend money. What a horrible person I am for doing that. I’m pouring money down the drain. Everything I buy and do is a waste.
Objectively, I’m pretty frugal. I do like to shop, but I keep the expenses reasonanly low and only do it once in a while. I’m not a big spender.
That voice in the back of my head is truly awful. I’ve decided to listening to it for a while, but it’s a habit that’s been slow to kick away. I have a few theories on what causes and triggers it, but there’s not much I can do except ignore it and do what I want to anyway.
Today was a reminder that some things take time. I feel a bit impatient, but impatience makes everything worse. For now, I’ll just online shop and focus on my goal:
One day, I want to be able to go shopping by myself and not feel irrationally guilty for leaving (insert relative old enough to take care of themself) at home.
It’s gonna happen.
(I am so annoyed by this. It had better happen!)