I Feel Ugly And It’s Absurd

I’m not ugly. True ugliness is not determined by societal standards. Those standards change throughout time. I am someone who believes that beauty is something that can’t be fully quantified.

Yet I still feel hideous. If someone said to me what I normally do for others when they feel this way (like comfort them and tell them something I genuinely find beautiful about them), I would have trouble believing them. In my head, I’m not nearly as nice to myself as I am to others. Is this what we call a double standard?

If I don’t like myself, in my head, it’ll be like no one likes me at all. So this is an issue that has its roots inside my heart and mind. Therefore, that’s where it needs to be addressed.

Truthfully, I don’t want to much about feeling ugly either. I just want to lay around like a potato and  inwardly sob about how some actors/actresses are so beautiful I feel blessed to see them. Just let my potato-y self here and sprout. And grow squishy and spongey.

Come to think of it, I might be depressed and might have been for a while. It’s hard to tell. Depression used to be more intense “I want to die” or “the anguish within my heart is tearing me apart” but nowadays, it’s an apathy that I don’t notice until a few days or weeks later.

I just thought I was really tired!

I guess I should probably take better care of myself and hope the rest will follow. If not…I’ll figure it out.

I’m not going to let all my hardworking and suffering be for nothing. My self-esteem is not going to backslide unless there’s double the gain. I’m pretty sure it doesn’t work like that.

This is stupid.

I’m not ugly. I thought I was over this! I’m probably average. People have told me I’m gorgeous (they’re really nice) and I was maybe starting to believe it slowly, but now here I am back in the negatives. My self esteem dived.

I don’t think it’s narcissism to believe yourself good-lookimg or handsome or beautiful. There’s nothing wrong with it. In fact, I wish more people thought it about themselves.

I’m really struggling with this concept because I’m worried about being vain. Yet the less self confidence I have in my appearance, the more likely I am to be vain about this. Clearly, the solution is to have more confidence in my appearance. A big part of that is taking better care of myself (like my skin). Even the routine can help.

I’ll focus more on personal grooming then. Feeling good is the biggest part of looking good. I want to feel good about myself in general rather than feel ugly because I’ve been so tired lately. Once I get back into the routine, it should help.

I just need to do it. Forget motivation. Just get up and do it. Maybe after I have fully sprouted.

If you haven’t, you should try this too. The self-care not the potato sprouting. Don’t be like me.