I’m Sick Of This

When I was younger, I joked about one day retiring to the mountains of Tibet, but that was only half a joke. Now that I’m older, a part of me still has that desire.

Even though I realize that I can’t just isolate myself to pursue a more spiritual life as it would prevent me from broadening my mind, I still kind of want to. Really want to.

People are really concerned about things that I’m not. They’re the things anyone on society would be concerned about. It’s too bad then that beyond doing what is necessary, I won’t do anything more unless I want to. Right now, I don’t want to.

I’m not concerned about finding a job right now. I have too much on my plate and quite frankly, I’m not afraid of not finding a job. If it comes down to it, I’ll find a more lowpaying one first. That’s fine for me too because it gives me the opportunity to learn.

I may be moving more slowly than what is deemed socially acceptable, but if they understood fully what I have been dealing with, they would realize that my taking a break is fully justified.

As long as my needs are taken care of and I like and learn from the job, then that’s fine isn’t it? We should be working to live not living to work. My family’s culture is concerned with status and a certain level of practicality and materialism. I am too, but this is something I’m not budging on.

It wouldn’t be good for me to rush myself. It wouldn’t be healthy. I am not putting myself through more anxiety and panic to satisfy others. I’m done doing that.

For the past month, I have barely had any sleep. It was to the point that I was exhausted emotionally and physically. There was a moment of weakness where I didn’t want to live anymore. Even if you ask me what caused this, I will never fully explain the it. I can never fully explain the kind of darkness I have had to face or the kind of things I have had to endure. Even the people that know the basics will not fully understand. I hope they never do. There are some things, I don’t want to talk about to others.

Even if they call me a fake and step over all my hard work and suffering, it won’t change the fact that this happened.

I’ve had to learn that what others do to you is not a reflection of yourself, but of them first hand. It doesn’t matter where they touched you. Or how many times they tried or did. All that matters is that you realize it’s not your fault. When people try to take advantage of you, it’s not your fault. Is it important to take proper precautions? Yes. However, it doesn’t change the fact that no matter what, it’s not your fault. They were the ones that chose this.

I-I’m not talking about this anymore.

Those days are past now. They’ve dissolved into the light. I don’t have to deal with that sort of thing anymore. They’re gone. The darkness is gone. Light always chases away darkness. Love always chases away fear.

I’m resting for a good reason. It’s not like there’s nothing for me to work on. Recently, I’ve finally been able to sleep, but my previous inability to do so wrecked my sleeping schedule. My hands still shake even now. I still get headaches and sometimes I want to throw up. My appetite is non-existent most of the time. Other times, I don’t want to eat once I’m halfway through. Of course, I finish everything anyway because my body needs it.

I am starting to put more effort into taking care of myself. I try to sleep earlier. I exercise. I’m doing what I can.

Still, I feel sick. Tired. Irritated. So very done with this.

I want to walk away and keep walking until I’m nothing but a speck in the distance. In short, I want to run away. Running away will solve nothing and do nothing beyond waste my time and energy so I won’t.

Instead, I will seek peace. Even if no one will ever fully understand, I will have my peace. Even if I can’t move to the mountains of Tibet or the mountains of anywhere, I will have my peace. It doesn’t matter what kind of storm I’m surrounded by. I will have my peace.

I will not bow, bend, or break. There will be peace in my heart and mind. In the end, that’s what matters the most.

Not others say or how they treat you. I strongly believe in a higher power. Their own actions will be to their own condemnation. As long as I do my best and help others, I’m going to be alright. They make their choices and I make mine.

I’m going to seek peace and true happiness first. Even though a part of me feels sorry for it, it’s really nothing to be sorry about. For once, I’m walking with my back straight and my head held high. Isn’t that something to celebrate?