The Sort of Partway Point

Today’s the last day of February.

I finished the month having mostly reached my goal. If 12 or 1 am weren’t technically considered the next day, I would’ve had “perfect attendance”. I have always been a conscientious student in both life and school.

I’m so proud of myself for being able to achieve this. I’m not finished with this blog, of course. That was just my first posting goal. I’m a work in progress and self-confidence isn’t something that can be fully built in a month. Plus there’s so much for me to learn. Ha the thought of being able to even get there seems so far away sometimes. Other times, it feels so close.

It’s always the intangible things. They’re hard to gauge and it’s because of this that people try to ignore them so much.

Yesterday, I sat down and write about myself in third person. As if I were a character being planned out. Writing descriptions for myself was scary. I had to take in a deep breath, say a little prayer, and push forward to keep from running from the truth.

I’ve never been someone who could lie to herself or anyone and I don’t want to start either.

I couldn’t finish it, but it reminded me that I’m a lot more capable than I think I am. It was a glimpse of the capability that I have. Even though it feels like my future is hard to see, that’s fine with me. Right now, I need to learn to focus more fully on the present, rather than the what it’s. When I die, I don’t want to have lived an empty life.

The point of life is to learn, but it’s also to find true happiness. I can’t do that if I’m so caught up in the past or future that I forget what is around me.

When I worked as a sales associate, one of my duties was greeting. As a greeter, most people’s eyes slid around you like you’re a part of the furniture. They look past you for something that’s far in the horizon.

I never want to be like that, but in the first few days of this, I realized that I was. Since I am prone to anxiety, especially around people, they were like  obstacles for me to tip toe around, hoping they wouldn’t notice me. I never fully realized their humanity until I was out in that same position.

There’s a lot of things I can’t trust the average person to do, but there is one thing I can trust: that the average person will be primarily self-doubt. They are self-interested. It’s a very different thing from selfishness, but sometimes they overlap.

Even if you can’t live more fully and be more involved in those around you for their sakes, you can at least do it for yourself right? For those of us with low self-esteem, the best motivation can sometimes be the opposite. We can do it for the sake of others more than we can for ourselves.

There’s a question that’s posed to me a lot. This question is, “Why can’t you be as love yourself as you are with others?” with the word “love” sometimes replaced with “be patient with” or “be understanding to”. It is something I ask myself often, ever since it was first posed to me.

I’ve hurt a lot of the people who love me, in my blind insistence that I do everything myself while pressuring and abusing myself because I hated myself so very much.

It must be like watching someone you love gouge themselves with a knife in front of you and every time they do something they don’t like, they cut all the deeper or pour salt in their bleeding wounds. I’ve hurt a lot of people this way. Most of all, I hurt myself.

Just because you can’t see my wounds, doesn’t mean they’re not there. They’re still healing and I’m still learning not to keep doing this to myself. Bad habits are hard to be rid of.

I’m someone who is prone to pride. I hate losing. I hate showing weakness. I hate bothering others. It’s better to distance mysel first.

I grew up thinking that it would be easier to protect myself and those around me, to keep myself closed off and pessimistic so that I would never be hurt or disappointed again. Yet I still wanted more than that. I wanted meaningful connections, but by then, I’d forgotten how to make them. Even as a child, it was hard for me to understand others. Their minds were so illogical and incomprehensible. As a teen, I wished I could (metaphorically) crack their heads open and peer at what was inside.

Nowadays, I’ve become good at establishing connections, at least when I try. All those books, articles, and practice I’d gotten have helped page the way. The sensitivity that had once made me a bigger target has only boosted my own ability to better understand others.

Yet, despite all that, I’m still cautious. I’m still scared of learning to love and care for myself. There’s something about confidence, real confidence that scares me.

It’s stupid and I’m sick of it.

Most of what I have been doing this month and even in the past year was unlearning bad habits and replacing them with new ones. I need to ignore this illogical fear and focus in the wonderful things around and before me. Remember I’m not alone. I have a goal.

I’m certain that one day, I’ll be able to reach that goal. There’s a lot of things I want to do in the future and a lot of things I must do. I want to be able to fulfill and complete them more effectively. I can’t do that when I’m like this.

Most of all, it’s my dream that I can one day look in the mirror and find myself beautiful both inside and out, rather than seeing someone decently pretty, but bland or absolutely hideous both inside and out.

It’s going to be a while before I can do this, but for once, it is closer than it’s ever been. I’ve forgotten what it felt like to truly love myself. I wonder what it’s like?