I Am Awake Now

I deleted entries on February 15 and 16 then from March onward save two. You might have liked them and been angry that I deleted them, but there’s a good reason why.

This month, I have had some of the worst experiences of my life. Worse than getting PTSD, losing my job, and being bullied relentlessly as a child. I have had some of the most traumatic experiences anyone could have.

I have been bothered for weeks in an attempt to scare me. It has worn away at my sleep like no other. Still, I persevered.

I have had my heart stomped on and my dreams crushed only to find, after I’ve mended it all together by shoving the pieces together as best as I could, that it was a lie just to screw me over. I was yanked to and from one point to another trying to salvage everything with him just find that it was all part of a master plan from somebody else to make me miserable. I kept going and used it to build me up

I have had all my fears and insecurities used against me in an attempt to turn me against one of the most important people in my life. Someone who has always always been there for me even though I did not fully realize how loved I was. It was traumatizing.

I have had to be put on medication at the hospital after going through a panic attack that could fuel nightmares. No I don’t want to talk about it.

There is more but I’m not writing anymore. Don’t ask me. I won’t tell you.

The point is that this is a self-love blog. How can it be a self-love blog if the past few entries remind me of the darkness I went through? I tried so hard to fight it and it took me a long time to break down. I am innocent in this matter. I didn’t do anything wrong, but today was like waking up from a nightmare and at first, I couldn’t help but feel responsible.

It took me a while to realize that I’m not, but I still need more time to do that.

I have had a lot of time today to process through what happened and I decided that I don’t want to remember it anymore. I don’t want all these lies to affect the important people that are and could be in my life. I don’t want this to scar me forever. I’ve been through enough.

Today, I cleared things up with the friends that knew of my heartbreak. The situation wasn’t real and I wasn’t in love or anything, but it hurt me all the same.

Today, I worked through my thoughts and feelings, finding myself circling round and round until I spoke to people important to me to process it.

Today, I (and in a show of support, my parents) ripped out entire entries in my journal and set them on fire. Then watched as they became embers, dumped water on them, and then tossed it in the trash with a “goodbye, I will never miss you” that turned into a “get lost, I’ll never miss you”. Those memories are gone.

Today, I went through this blog and with the encouragement of my family, deleted everything until I felt better. Then I permanently deleted them and watched as the final memory of my demons vanished in the light of my laptop screen.

My blog is meant to be a place of growth and positivity. These last few weeks have been anything but. It shows in my posts. I am not letting other people get dragged down if I can help it.

The only reason I emerged from this darkness is through the unconditional love of my family. I woke up from the terror of my dream. Now, I need to begin living again. Nightmares will dissolve in the light of a new day, but only if you let it. I have no intention of looking back. Please don’t bring it up. I will ignore you.

That’s that. I’ll see you guys Tuesday. By then, I want to be able to laugh at life again and enjoy the warm sunlight on my face. We’ll see though. I have all the time I need. So do you.

 

 

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