I’m Tired

My health has been steadily improving as of late. It kind of fell a part a while back. Or rather, I did.

Until then, it’s me trying to go uphill against the wind. Most days I get hungry. Some days not at all. Anxiety makes it hard to sleep. People keep waking me up. It’s harder for me to discern truth from lies and I keep second guessing myself.

I don’t know why I’m putting all this on here. Maybe it’s because I’m so sick of it. At this point, either I can keep second guessing myself and tentatively pressing forward or I can choose to put more confidence in myself and start asking more questions. I can push forward.

This is one of those moments. Where adversity looms over you and you can either choose to mature and run forward or dig your heels in and be dragged through by life. I’m just so tired.

Sonetime, you get sick of being the good one you know? The one who presses forward no matter how much of a wreck they feel like. You wonder if things will ever get better or if you’re going to be feeling like this forever.

I’m so tired; so so tired. I won’t give up though. It’ll take me even longer to find my way if I do. I’ve seen it before. When you choose to give up like this, you hurt more than yourself. Even though I want this hardship to end, life isn’t the type to let up. All I can do, all anyone can do is hope they grow enough that this trial isn’t a trial anymore or that they can endure long enough for things to get better.

Isn’t it better to have tried than not tried at all? I won’t lose anything by trying, but I’ll lose the most important things if I don’t. There’s some things that can’t be seen and are hard to explain. I don’t want to lose myself. I’ve spent so long learning about and trying to build myself up. If I give up now, I’ll lose a big part of myself, the good part that never gave up. I won’t do that to myself. I can’t.

I spent so long working towards my growth that if I let go now, I’ll fall a part completely. Sometimes, all you can do is pull yourself together the best you can and march forward. The alternative doesn’t even bear considering.

I’m going to keep moving forward. My body and mind will heal. I will grow even more confident. Right now, my confidence is higher than it has ever been. I feel like a mess, but there you go.

I’m just going through a rough patch right now. Today is one of those gray days. Tomorrow, I’ll be better.

If only for today, I want to rest. Nothing too big. Just sit outside in the sun for a bit. I’ll be better after that.

You have to believe that. More than anything, you’ve got to tell yourself that even the night ends. That if you keep going, the sun will rise and chase away the darkness. You focus on the moon and stars, the bit of light in your life.

And you keep going.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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