It’s a double post today to make up for my lack of post on Monday. I have no excuse beyond me being tired. Next time, I’ll be more diligent in keeping up this blog. I’m disappointed in myself, but strangely enough, it’s not that bitter feeling like a cold and sharp knife pointed inward. That means I’ve grown in this area. It is a small thing, but I’m happy about it.
Recently, I’ve been doubting myself a lot lately. My well, trial, before really tried to shake the earth beneath my feet. I knew the earth was there and I relied on it all the way through, but afterwards, I didn’t know if what I was walking on was actually earth or water. I think that’s the best way I can describe the situation I’m slowly working through right now.
I have thrown myself into what that would better help me differentiate.
First, I reminded myself of what I knew. Second, I figured out what I needed to know or do to better tell the difference. Third, I put it into practice.
Since I am someone who puts spiritual things first, that’s what I have first been working on. It has truly helped me feel more myself and healed my scars. There are always those who scoff at religion and those that follow them, but this is something that has kept me alive and pulled me out of dark times. That’s why I try not to mind them even when I start getting annoyed. We have all had different experiences with religion and each one is equally valid.
We all carry within ourselves our own scars and while mine may be healing now, others’ may still be fresh, healing, or infected. I want to be considerate of others. Beyond that, I deserve some measure of peace as well. So I don’t let these kinds of things bother me too much.
It’s a mindset I’ve been trying to expand. What’s in the past is in the past. Don’t look back. Focus on the present and look forward to the future. Gradually, I’ve been ignoring what doesn’t need to be remembered, but meditating and thinking on what needs to be worked out, letting it go, and then moving forward.
Sometimes, that’s all you can do. It’s frustrating at times, but I’ve learned that I need to have faith that I will be able to heal and sort it out. That those around me will do their best to help me. That I can rely on my God.
I’ll be ok. I can do this. Even when I didn’t feel that way, I told myself this to push me forward. I really relied on God for this. I also relied on the people around me. To not say so would be disingenuous. I could never ever have done this by myself.
We humans are fallible, but we can overcome obstacles and trials if we rely on others. I have found that while those who have our best interests at heart aren’t perfect, they generally want to help. Their strengths can make up for our weaknesses and vice versa. Trials are easier when you rely on others. I’ve learned that recently. Since I like to rely on God and then just myself a lot, I realized that I needed to not forget those around me who care about me and are happy to help me. I never realized this before, but they are willing to help even if it is just to listen.
For example, in order to forget, I burned some of the pages detailing some of the events in my journal. My parents helped. They were trying to support me as best they could and watched with me as the pages burned ashes. I poured water over the embers and threw whatever was left out. My shoulders felt lighter after that. They were with me all throughout this. I never realized how much I was loved by them until this point. Isn’t that strange that it took me this long? But that’s how it was with my family and friends.
It took me a while, but I’m starting to realize how irreplaceable I am to others. This is something I’m still working through because a part of me has difficulty accepting it still.
Here’s a riddle I just came up with. What is the one thing humanity needs the most and least?
I’m proud of myself. It’s a good riddle isn’t it? In the end, I need time and patience with myself. I’ll get there eventually.