Journals Are Everything

Today is a day of thought and reflection for me. I’ve been having a lot of days like that recently. Yesterday though, I pulled out my journal and wrote down the feelings that’d been bubbling inside of me. I can’t let go what I don’t understand no matter how much I want to.

I blamed myself for being foolish. That’s how I got tricked as badly as I did. I felt so stupid. I felt useless, helpless even. Within my heart was the nagging feeling that I could have and should have done something better. Chose something better.

That’s probably a pretty normal and understandable feeling to feel when you’ve been lied to like that. It’s only because I’m writing this out that I realize this. It’s hard for me to see in myself what I so easily see in others.

The more I expressed my feelings of anger and frustration with myself in my journal, the more I realized that there was nothing more I could’ve done once I got in that situation. I did all that I could. They had to expand a lot of effort to keep me fooled because I kept getting suspicious and “waking up”. I fought through the darkness and lies the entire way. They had to wear me down and even then I kept fighting.

That’s more amazing then stupid, when I think of it that way. While I wish I hadn’t involved myself with those liars in the first place, I am human. I make mistakes. I’m allowed to make mistakes. That’s part of life and learning.

What is most important is that I hold onto my goals and principles. I never stopped believing, hoping, and praying. I never gave up. I fought to the very end.

That’s something to be proud of, even if I’m not proud of the mistake that led to it. Yet I can’t keep agonizing over my mistakes either. All it’ll do is torment me. Part of life is learning to let go of what we don’t need. We learn from our mistakes and move past it. We keep trying, keep hoping, and keep striving for all that’s good. We don’t give up. Life is worth living and to truly love our lives, we must enjoy the present and face the future. We don’t look back. Instead, we walk into the light an go forward at our own pace and in our own time.

It’ll be alright in the end. More than anything, I have to (and more importantly will believe that). It may not be now. It may not be tomorfow. Someday, thought, someday it will be. I’ll be ok.

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