I Never Realized I Needed This

I have good friends who don’t push, but are willing to listen when I need it. I’ve been speaking to them more about what I’m going through. Sharing the burden helps and I never feel like they are sick of me or don’t want to listen. In their own ways, they support and comfort me. It’s enough that others to recognize this as well.

I’ve always kept my problems inside of me. Even in prayer, I had trouble asking for things unless I absolutely had to. It was a lonely and painful road. I never realized it until I could see the difference.

There were also some problems that, because I never spoke about them before, I never acknowledged until I had no choice too. Or in the case of what happened yesterday, I realized it as I was encouraging one friend, but not how much I regretted my choices until after talking to another friend about it. Originally it was to ask for advice and confide in someone. Then, in order to explain why I felt so lost, I had to explain the background and that was when I realized it. It’s because of her that I could begin to consider what I had never allowed myself to consider.

(The denial was strong in this one.)

I regret putting aside my dreams for what I had seen as the practical choice. Sometimes, you will have two choices presented before you. Choices that aren’t between right or wrong, but two different things with neither choice being better than the other.

I had not realized that there was a middle ground. That I could do both. Or perhaps I did, but was too afraid. People encourage you and tell you to go after your dreams, but it’s harder than it sounds. What if I mess up? What if it’s not worth it after all? I don’t want to be like those who waste their lives away chasing something without being practical about it.

So I occupied the awkward half-hearted grey area that is putting a wishy-washy washy 50% of effort into writing. I’m doing so, I sabotaged myself. The minute you think yourself defeated is the minute you lose. If you want to succeed in anything in life, you need to put your all in it. You can put this kind of effort in many things, not just one.

I have narrowed my perspective and suffered for it, but I’m wiser for it. What matters isn’t that I went off the wrong path in the first place, but that I found my way back to the right one. You can still reach the same destination.

(I don’t care what those internet memes say, the destination is as important as the journey.)

I would’ve never grown or learned so much if I had kept myself locked away from the world. If my younger self could see me, shed cry tears of joy even as she battled her skepticism. Never had I thought I would gain such good and supportive friends.

We may not be the kind of friends you see on TV or in the movies, but it’s true and real. Those friends on TV and in movies will finish reciting their script, get off work, and then return to their lives, but no matter the times, I have those who support me in the most important ways. We may not always agree and have our own lives and responsibilities, but we still support and encourage one another.

That’s more than I’ve ever dreamed of.





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