Admit that I’m not happy right?
I have a tendency to distract myself and others from things like this so I didn’t notice until I was talking to my friend. She said, “you’ve been sounding more and more unhappy” and it was like a dam broken.
I want to be happy no matter what circumstances I’m in. I can’t be happy if I don’t admit why I’m unhappy. I’m not in touch with my feelings, for the most part. It took my heartbreaking for me to realize I loved someone romantically, OK? I don’t have the best track record with these things.
I guess this is where I hold onto my religion more. I am an immigrant. I’ve always felt foreign even if I grew up in this country for most of my life. I don’t belong in the country of my birth either because of it.
I have never felt like I belonged anywhere, sometimes not even in my own home, but I always felt at home when I read my scriptures and prayed. When I entered the temples of my God, I never wanted to leave. Even if the people at church didn’t always make me feel comfortable, like I belonged, that was fine. This gospel was where I could find my place. Not in relation to other people, but in relation to my God. At least, in the past, that’s how it always felt. Now, I realize how surrounded I am by love and how home has always included this people closest to me. One thing hasn’t changed though. Wherever my God is, that is home to me.
There are those that don’t see the point of religion and they’re welcome to that, but everyone is different and what we expect from others, we ought to give ourselves. Not so that we can be worthy of what they give, but so that we may be honest and consistent in these things. Otherwise, what right do you have to expect from others what you yourself aren’t willing to give?
I want to stop pressuring myself to feel a certain way. Rather than hide how I feel, it is better to be honest and seek happiness with a truer understanding of myself. How can I expect others to treat themselves better if I myself am not willing to try the same?
It’s not about being there or being a certain way. It’s about trying and learning from each try until you are where you need to be, even if it’s not where you want to be.