I need space and time to myself to contemplate and face the issues that I don’t like facing. Feelings are weird and I like to ignore them, but that’s not a healthy way to deal with problems. The problem is that I see myself in segments: the parts of me that only I can see and the parts that are palatable for public.
We humans are multifaceted and it’s impossible to show them all at once. I’m not ashamed to say that I have learned through painful experience (having been on various sides of it) that for all that people claim to value honesty, not all truly do. Not all can tell the difference between honesty or tact either. We show different faces to one another and that is not automatically a bad thing because often times, it is to protect ourselves.
Not to mention, both men and women are socialized to act a certain way. Women are socialized to be softer and more agreeable. You don’t need to be soft to be emotional so to those that say that women are more emotional by nature, that doesn’t mean they’re soft.
I’m a woman and I am not soft like that. I’m more hard and sharp. I try to stay calm and rational. I don’t like getting swept up in things and I don’t like it when things are out of place. I’m precise like that.
Growing up, I’ve always felt like this was wrong of me, that I was wrong. I’ve posted about this before. I have tried to surpress this side of myself. During the first month this blog was up, I realized it was wrong to surpress myself like this. Therefore, I stopped trying to force myself, but that didn’t mean I accepted it. Up until a while ago, felt that my inner most thoughts were mean because of their boldness. Or because of how coldly rational they can be. I’m someone that needs to warm up to people and ideas. I’ve always thought these tendencies were mean because that was how others reacted to this side of me.
However, they’re not wrong or mean. I don’t do it to demean or hurt anybody. That’s not why I speak that way. I do it because that’s genuinely what I think. Sometimes it’s so that people can look at their own perspectives in a new light. Some ideas aren’t the most practical and I’d rather they figure it out for themselves. This is a part of me.
In a detached way, I recognize that it was awful how I was made to feel this way. Still, it’s hard to think myself an innocent in all this. Nothing is wrong with me, but it’ll be a while before I can accept this about myself.
Deslite the limited to my newfound acceptance, I have moved forward in some way. I can at the very least think indignantly to myself, why must I limit myself to showing only a part of myself? Even if it’s for the sake of others’ comfort, I need to put myself first. You cannot expect others to know exactly what you need and you can’t expect God to do for you what you yourself are not willing to do. Self-interest is not the same as selfishness.
Furthermore, if I want to become closer with others, I need to be honest. That’s how love works, whether platonic or romantic. If I want to decent relationships with others or even with myself, then I need to face my difficulties in recognizing and accepting the parts of myself society has told me is wrong or ugly. Society says a lot, but knows very little. Why should I let myself allow such a fickle thing dictate the most important parts of myself? I shouldn’t!
Or rather, I won’t*. Why would I? No matter how much the majority howls, lies won’t become truth and truth lies. Truth is what it is. I’d much rather be honest with myself and with others.
I feel a lot more solid thinking about it like this, as if I was rippling water before. Now I am closer to stable earth. Once, I felt like ash in the wind so even this small improvement is a step in the right direction.
Isn’t it interesting how much a change in perception can do?
* It’s better for me to state things in present tense as if I am already doing it. Then my approach changes until it translates into reality. You should try it out and see if it works for you too. There’s some psychology behind it.