There is a certain level of detachment that is necessary to find happiness. When you stop caring about the car you drive, how much you compare to others, and what others might say of you, there is a freedom and joy that is beyond description. I’ve practiced this my whole life, as best as I could, but I went to far.
I could not attach myself to others. I could not attach to my hobbies. I could not hold onto anything because I felt as if there was nothing I could truly hold on to. For most of my life, I went through it afraid that if I got too attached to anyone or anything, they would be taken away from me. As if God or the person in question would realize how stupid and weak I was and remove this joy from me.
God will not do this to me. The people I love will not do this to me. All along, I’ve been doing this to me.
I want to be free from this and I know that I can rely on my God for this, but it will take more than just this realization to let go. This is a work in progress. I am always a work in progress.
I like being directed. I like knowing what to strive for. I am scared of this kind of freedom, but we humans are created to be free. Why else would we enter this life with nothing but ourselves and leave this life in the same way?
I am as lost as ever. This is the problem with being compartmentalization. It always comes back because it never truly left.
I’ll be better tomorrow. No, I’ll be better when I’m ready to be better. Can’t learn to love myself if I don’t even put in the effort, right?