Feelings are not meant to be ignored. I’m starting to realize this now. I’ve always put them away because of how much I’d been hurt in the past and how much I felt like they would only get in the way. There isn’t one specific person or event that is to blame, but a series of decisions that culminated into emotional dishonesty.
I have always had problems with feelings. They’re annoying, high maintenance, and get in the way. Or at least, that’s how I have always thought. I am not only emotionally stunted when it comes to the ah, softer feelings, I’m also emotionally dishonest with myself hen it comes to feelings I find troublesome. Recently, it’s been giving me more problems than usual.
My heart got broken. I realized you can’t just logic your way out. I also realized I’d been in love enough to feel like my heart got gouged out. This was a painful realization in more than one way.
I figured out I’d been played for a fool in a very traumatic way. Lies had been stacked upon one another in an attempt to destroy my life. Couldn’t sleep. Couldn’t eat. Couldn’t even think clearly. I had to come to terms with it all; had to adjust to what I’d suffered and gained as a result. My inability to connect emotionally with myself led to this and I had to change.
Then I slowly began to fall for the same person again. My great leaps forward in emotional awareness led to many stubborn denials. I realized that I would’ve been a great politician all along because my emotional dishonesty towards myself was a slick piece of work. I also had no choice but to face my fundamental decades long misunderstandings about emotions and romance and romantic relationships.
Apparently, emotions don’t always make logical sense and that’s a good thing. You’re supposed to feel your emotions, especially romantic ones. I didn’t understand their practical function and it bothered me. When I told my friend, she wouldn’t stop laughing at me. At the very least, I’m glad she finds it funny because laughter is the best medicine.
So. So. Apparently, healthy romantic relationships, can help you grow as a person. In hindsight, this is very true despite all my denials to the contrary. Therefore, I no longer have any protests to having one with someone I like romantically. This is because beyond hoarding different experiences, my sole goal in life is to grow as a person in a positive and upright way.
Once I understood this, it was easier to accept my feelings and enjoy…feeling them. It was hard at first, but once I began, my heart began to change. There is a strength in this hesitant softness of mine. The more I allow it to exist, the more I feel my own love towards myself grow. I love the person I am becoming. I love who I am reflected in the fond eyes and kind words of my friends as I lay bare this weakness of mine.
I’d always thought that weakness and vulnerability would make others turn away from me in disgust, but I’ve found reality goes in the opposite direction. When I revealed this weakness of mine, hesitant yet forcing words out anyway, their own admiration and love for me grew. I can’t fully understand why anyone would think of me this way, but I’ll understand it one day.
I recognize now that it’s not a sin to feel your own self-love grow the more you experience the love of others. It isn’t the same as hinging your own self worth on the views of others. It’s using the love of others to bolster yourself up. It is being human. We are social creatures not meant to be alone. I can understand that, at least. I’m grateful that I can.
The way the world sees vulnerability is wrong. There is a strength in kindness, love, and forgiveness. There is a strength in even weakness and vulnerability. They are not meant to be ignored or cut out of us. Humanity’s strength is in their humanity.
Truly, I am grateful for the romantic feelings that acted as a catalyst for this knowledge. The person I am and am becoming grows more and more beautiful to me each and every day. It has lifted a great weight off of me.